Still counting...

...the days till the weekend, the hours till day ends, the moment of truth and the gift of life. I find myself once again anxious, agitated and frustrated about so many important and mundane things in life. I tell myself maybe I just lack sleep or maybe I had too much of that steamed crab siomai again or worst, maybe my sugar is too high reason why I have been too lethargic lately. I wish I could say I'm pregnant and these mood swings and crabbiness is because of the little angel inside me but nah! not yet!

My unromantic defintion of LOVE...

We all know this. Much have been said about love, stories were told, poems were written and songs were sung to bring life and meaning to love. Each one of us has their own definition of love, we've all had our own share of sweet and not so sweet memories of falling in love, being in love and falling out of love. I don't mean to sound cynical...why would I when I have just embraced a new life of eternal love. But if being cynical will make me less of a romantic illusionist and be more of a strong-willed wife living not in my white picket fence fantasy, then cynicism it will be.

Love is indeed a decision you consciously make every single day at any given moment. Loving for me is more divine in the face of deception, betrayal and animosity. After the hurt and anger...disgust even... you still end up with the decision to love. Love in this light is not at all romantic. It's peeled off its magic, electricity and fireworks. It is always easy to hate and give-up. To walk away and move on. This is always the easiest way out of anything. Telling ourselves that we've had enough and cannot take anymore and just turn our backs and shrug off whatever is left. But is it always what is best for us? For others? Making decisions based solely on emotions almost always end up in regrets. The what if's, what might have been creeps into you in your moment of solace. And this is when the vicious cycle starts.

But if one is to take the road less traveled and see through things and persons beyond who we thought and want them to be, loving then feels like a burden too heavy to bear. The person we share our life with feels more like a liability than a partner. I have known for myself that during this difficult time, it is when loving becomes more than what we so beautifully defined it to be. Love becomes more than just quotes in love letters and greetings cards. It becomes more than just a feeling and a fleeting emotion. It becomes one's strength and guiding light. It becomes an answer. It becomes a voice that lets you move on... not away from the person but walk through and with that person, so that together you find a deeper meaning to why God has brought you to each other. Love then becomes a decision and pact you make to yourself and God.

Unlike decisions to walk away and give up, deciding to love inspite of doesn't bring feelings of doubt and regret. I even find myself in a love so serene and perfect inspite of the unruliness and dejection. It doesn't make the hurt go away, nor make the problem dissapper, it just makes it bearable as you're filled up with new hope and strength and believe that this too shall pass by God's grace.

I have come to realize what love truly is. It is not all that sweet. It is far from being perfect. It is not always about happiness. To embrace love, you have to unmask yourself, bare yourself of any insecurities and let go and let your true self guide you to wherever it leads you. Armed with God's infinite love and mercy, you continue to thread on new heights as you continue and look forward to yet another adventure in our so called journey of life.

Day One...

My first attempt to finally put my thoughts into writing, taking that risk of letting people (some known other unknown) read my mind, not that its surprising for I have been regarded as someone who speaks her mind (to a select few). If that is a compliment, I am not quite certain.